Teaching, studying, mothering, working

I have been keeping an insane pace.

The conflict with Becky’s school is definitely most upsetting and disorienting. I am so incredibly angry with these people–I think they really believe they are providing Becky with “supports,” and I wonder how much of these beliefs are due to trainings from streamlined, shiny, gift-wrapped programs we scholars design and sell Districts as the next solution to problems. I never thought about scholars and snake-oil salesmen, but I am certainly thinking about it now. The “Gold Model School for Positive Behavior supports” bling just below Ms. Becker’s email signature taunts me. The program’s co-director is Dr. Heather George of USF CBCS. I emailed her but heard nothing. I am really so, so very angry–at Slusser, Ms. Becker, the District, the system. I expected more from Ms. Becker, maybe this is why I feel so betrayed and disappointed… Humanity…

My studies have been limited to keeping afloat in Janet’s class. I did find some gems on the topic of qualitative pedagogies and they have been my main source of sustenance. I take what I can–feast or famine.

Teaching–I am a lot more comfortable, and I have been truly enjoying my new role. I do not panic anymore, not like I used to during first two weeks or so. I find myself in this elated state when I think about my students. I do not take it for granted that what we are doing in this class is incredibly creative, ambiguous, and difficult. We have been narrowing down their research questions workshop-style in class, and I am starting to see first fruits of positive affect. Christ told me last week: “I thought I will hate this class, but I have been having fun. I really hope to actually do my study.”  Also last week, during a consultation with Ev she looked at me with resolve and shared, “you know, I actually plan to do this research. I am serious.” The ideas are amazing, and so are the students. I am getting addicted to the moments when they finally understand something previously closed to them, and their faces light up. They wrote such wonderful feedback on index cards a couple of weeks and caught myself coveting these messages like treasures. Of course, I am skeptical about how much I can infer from these notes, but after reading them, It dawned on me how much they struggle with the ambiguity of translating ideas into a concrete form, and I remembered how difficult it is to be creative. I am used to designing projects of all kinds, but I cannot expect everyone to be able to conjure up creative ideas from thin air and give them a lovely shape of words. I really appreciate the work my students do now so much more!

My transition to teaching happened so quickly and organically–I remember being intimidated by doing oral presentations in class three years ago and getting stressed just thinking about maybe teaching someday. I still struggle to escape the idea there is such thing as “true” knowledge, the boundaries that distinguish “good” teaching from mediocre teaching, and the weight of responsibility that haunts these operations. Responsibility is dangerous because it rushes conclusions and actions, and avoids alternatives if a safer, easier route is in sight.