The dissertation is a reality that materialized at the end of my master’s coursework. It is remarkable how differently my fellow students think of their dissertations–I have been asking–they are all at different stages.
The spectrum begins with “I have no clue” and ends with “I am getting ready to defend, my topic is awesome!” Many find the idea stressful. Me? I cannot wait! I know it will be something great–otherwise, why would I even bother with it, right? Besides, Dr. Richards said it will be great, whatever it is, in her email to me on June 16, 2018.
My problem is too many ideas–each seems better than the last one. I’d say I am drowning in them, only drowning is such a negative term–if water is to describe my experiences, then I am in a waterpark–sliding, jumping, diving, and floating in the lazy river, depending on what class I am taking and with whom. There is no sense of anxiety, at least, not yet, only the sense of adventure.
Idea Number One
Currently, I am on my fifth or so topic idea. When I first started my Master’s program, I wanted to investigate what it means when people say “I do not test well.” This was completely in line with my “Research, measurement, and Evaluation” program. I wanted to look into the culture of standardized testing (I am not a fan of it as a parent, but because I grew up in the USSR, I cannot say I am entirely opposed to it–it was a fact of life, everyone had several end-of-course exams beginning with grade four or so.)
I wanted to bring into my study the topic of educational philosophies, the psychological piece centered on “stress” and “test anxiety.” Source of data collection? Well, surveys and interviews. A quantitative analysis of available test records was also an idea, but I knew the data may not be available. This idea came the year I took my Foundations of Curriculum class and statistical analysis courses I and II. GRE exam was a fairly recent event, too.
Idea Number Two
There were a few ideas in-between. One summer, I took Foundations of Educational Research class online and was taken with the idea of researching Motivation in online learning. At that time, I was still planning to do my Ph.D. in Educational Psychology and coincidentally, was still processing my experiences as an undergrad (I earned the entire Psychology degree online at Saint Leo University). I felt I was a connoisseur of online learning and thanks to plenty of shop talks at home with my husband, an online course designer at St. Pete College, we had much to discuss.
The theory? Deci and Ryan’s Theory of Self-Determination. Method? Quantitative. Design? quasi-experimental. I enjoyed planning every little detail of my study. Down to the design of every instructional activity and whether or not I should consider it as a variable. Then I took my first qualitative class, and suddenly, this idea was not as much fun as… well, I did not know yet, but I knew the feeling–a new idea was about to hatch.
Idea Number Three
The Christmas before my second qualitative class, there came trouble at Becky’s charter school–the school refused to provide accommodations to her, and we felt our rights were violated. More than anything, I was angry that her teacher and principals refused to admit–both in word and deed–that she has autism. Earlier that year, Becky was also Baker Acted, and by the time the charter school troubles came, my husband and I just went through a real-life paradigm shift. We finally came to terms that Becky does have autism, and we were trying to figure out what it meant for us, for her, for the boys, for all of our present and future. So in qualitative II, I started writing an autoethnography about mothering my high-functioning autistic child. This was personally therapeutic and seminal to my further development as a researcher. I returned to my original reason for wanting to abandon the life of a starving graphic artist when I enrolled at Saint Leo to study psychology in 2012-to learn about autism. So my dissertation idea was to explore the bioecology of an autistic child’s development. Theoretical framework? Bronfenbrenner. Methodology? Qualitative. Method? Interviews, narrative, autoethnography, and visual, as appropriate.
Idea Number Four
Then I started writing about how Becky and I connect–a facet that fits my study of bioecology well as a link between the developing child and a prominent influence on her: me. This project coincided with my Philosophies class where I attempted to place myself on the grid of philosophical approaches to inquiry. Becky went through a rough patch, I did not feel like writing about our connection, and then spiraled down Lewis Carrol’s rabbit hole, much like Alice. I became aware that despite producing several reflexivity statements in my last year, I have no clue who I am as a researcher! One this was for sure: I was confused. I ran for help to Dr. Richards, to Jenni, to Dr. Zeidler. I wrote one journal entry after another, trying to make sense of my thoughts. Through it all, I was conscious of my development and decided to do a dissertation about the “birth of a researcher” and to investigate investments of professors, of courses, of personal circumstances, and other elements that were shaping me into who I am. The brilliant part is that dissertation would be the natural evidence of the journey. Methodology? Qualitative, of course! Method? I would use my journal entries, email exchanges with professors and students, course descriptions and reflections and other pieces as data, then assemble them into one final piece.
Idea Number Five
It is getting better and better! My growing epistemological pains and studies initially led me to believe that positivism is disgusting to a truly qualitative researcher, yet, I grew up a positivist. Could I be bi-oriented as I am bi-lingual and bi-cultural? I considered an analogy: Mowgli, a human, raised by the wolves. Never quite fitting with either world and yet, a forever part of both. While it is tempting to assume that “people” in this analogy represent the more humanistic, constructivist look at life and the animals are more in line with Pavlov’s dogs, and therefore, data-driven, inhuman, positivistic, I am cautious. Dogs (as well as wolves, bears, and panthers, too) are wonderful, and by no means, the parallel expresses a belief that Russians are less human that Americans, or any other nonsensical idea of the sort. I am really after the illustration of how difficult it is for Mowgli to fit into either culture, to completely align himself with either ideology, culture, philosophy, or even physical location of his bed. At the moment, I feel like a researcher Mowgli–a positivist through upbringing, an interpretivist through personal development. This does not have to be a deficit–it could be a strength. Of course, there is a chance that some positivists and quantitative researchers will disown me, much like some of Mowgli’s wolf pack did. Some interpretivists will turn their noses and decide I reek of “dog,” but as long as I have my Baghiras and my Baloos, and my kind villagers, I could really uncover something extraordinary.
Method? Qualitative. Methodology? Bricolage! Narratives, emails, drawings, photos, and maybe even sculptures. Limitations? …as abstract as the sky.