Author: Anna

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How I will write my autoethnography

Academic Writing Class Journal
Yesterday, I had a talk with Jenni. Luckily, she happened to be in her office and graciously agreed to chat.
I wanted to try the conceptual analysis approach-to use examples of my personal connections that I perceive as “model,” “borderline,” and “contrary” (Krathwohl, 1993), and weave found research with my personal narrative. Trouble is, as I keep reading literature, I realize how expansive the body of knowledge is on the topic of interpersonal connections, and how little I know about any of it. I started out with connectedness, then it morphed into closeness, then I had the urge to define “attachment” as a precursor to relationships, and so forth. I became confused and exhausted. I ran to Jenni’s office nearly in tears. Then she offered advice: just write your personal narrative, pages, and pages of it. “I cannot publish “pages and pages” in a journal… can I?” I said then Jenni suggested I trust the process–I will know how and what to distill when the time comes.
I will do just that.
Funny, I feel like writing my personal narratives is somehow cheating–I feel almost guilty calling it “academic writing.”  Such is the birth pain of an emerging qualitative researcher, I suppose.
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Confessions of an emerging autoethnographer

Academic Writing Class Journal

Yesterday, after I dropped Becky at her Animation Gets Real camp, I attended parent Q&A led by Sandie, Danni Bowman’s aunt. No doubt, hers is a success story: she said when she adopted 11-year-old Danni, she was moderately autistic, not even high-functioning. When I watched the documentary about Danni, I could not even believe she has ASD–she sounded very normal.

This is an inspiration, the hope I was so desperate to find for so long. Of course, this is more of a personal blog entry, but it adds to my reflexivity and therefore, this is a good space for it.

Because of my encounter, I am becoming really aware of differences between my native ontology constructed by my culture, family, and other elements of my environment and ontology I am awakening to now. In Russia, and especially growing up with my dad, I learned to believe that everything is predetermined. The quantitative approach to the exploration of this world is perfect because everything here can be measured. There are clearly defined hypotheses that can be and must be empirically tested: “we Soviets sent a man into space, and guess what? There is no God anywhere in the sky!” Then, oddly enough, in my senior year of high school, I picked up a copy of the New Testament and joined a Bible study group led by Korean American missionaries from LA (won’t even bother explaining that one :). I could not get enough of the Bible. I read it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner; I covered it with my textbooks in college, pretending to study because I was running out of words to explain why I am so glued to the New Testament. The day I received my first “Full Bible”–Old and New Testament together–was a day to remember. I felt like I came to possess an unbelievable treasure. I breathed my newly found faith, I was as born again–I KNEW I was born again by faith and because I felt it in my veins–all was new, the world was new, and I was new as well!

Looking back, I realize that the ontology of my born-again existence completely resonated with my original Soviet-forged understanding of reality: in the Bible, too, there is a beginning and the end; plenty of Gulags, the need to stay together. There is also the MENE TEKEL PERES (Dan 5:27), the judgment day, and the FATALISM that very much defined the mysterious “Russian soul” (think Crime and Punishment, War and Peace, and many other literary monuments to my culture). It was my husband (a Puerto Rican) who pointed out the latter when I was well into my twenties.

Even my understanding of hope was colored by a striking lack of choice: “believe, and you will live;” “put your trust in God, and no one can be against you.” I wrestled with how God’s will is kind of predictable based on Rom 8:28, but ultimately unknowable. And if He had the final say in everything anyway, then it really does not matter what I do for a living as long as it pleases Him? In the USSR, we HAD to be useful to the society. Our choices too were available between certain parameters.

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What is closeness: literature review

Academic Writing Class Journal

Initially, in the Social Psychology of Groups, Thibaut, and Kelley (1959) conceptualized relationships in terms of rewards and costs. I find this model helpful as it strips the construct of relationships of its high emotional complexity to the bones and allows to add back layers for further study.

In the latter volume, Interpersonal Relations: Theory of Interdependence,  Kelley, and Thibaut (1978) elaborated on relational dynamics of dyads and illustrated that two people in a relationship, though always interdependent, do not have the same level of influence over each other, and inevitably, one person’s needs or wants impose higher costs on the other. The dyad’s ability to strike a balance to satisfy or at least, appease one other will resolve a conflict, but can it explain the length, or the strength, or other qualities of relationships, such as closeness?

On the other hand, the feeling of closeness competes with negative emotions of a conflict; therefore, closeness must be transactional, and as for each person who shares it, he or she is both the producer and the product in these transactions (Bronfenbrenner, 1999). According to Bronfenbrenner’s Bioecological Model of Development (1979), relationships are an example of “proximal processes” that shape and steer the development of a person.

 

If my relationship with Becky is “the progressive mutual accommodation between an active, growing human being and the changing properties of the immediate settings in which the developing person lives”

 

 

Leslie-Case, K. P. (1999, January). The parent-child relationship: An interdependence approach. (mutuality, control, childhood, memories). Dissertation Abstracts International, 60, 2986.

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What is closeness? Example: my father

Academic Writing Class Journal

“Autism spectrum disorder is characterized by persistent deficits (…) in social reciprocity, nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, and skills in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships” (DSM-5, 2013, p.31).  The clinician who diagnosed my daughter with ASD read the excerpt aloud. Becky was nine. I immediately wanted to know what this means for us long term. Will she ever get married and have a family of her own? Will she and I ever be close? I looked forward to the former as I envisioned my golden years, but the latter–closeness–seemed less distant though more abstract. To me, closeness is the ultimate prize of all the hard work that goes into cultivating a relationship; it is the flower that finally blooms, the berry that finally ripens. I yearned to experience it with Becky since I first learned I am pregnant with her.

My father is a kitchen philosopher and psychologist. I say kitchen because our small kitchen in a typical Russian high-rise flat is where we have our best talks. He is a thinker, like me. As a child, I would spot him blowing his papirosa smoke into the open window or out on the balcony if the weather was warm, and sneak up closer. He would turn his back toward me, warning: “I do not want to breathe on you,” and I would always say “It’s OK, I don’t mind.” Then we would keep silent for a moment or two. Somehow, a discourse would start and continue beyond his third or fourth cigarette.

When I was younger, he told me about his childhood in the post-war Far-Eastern USSR, his siblings, his parents, and his nearly fatal burst appendicitis… I easily pictured him as a kid, especially after he took me to his home village and showed me around. I loved that these stories made him so effortlessly vulnerable, sensitive, human.

As I became older, we frequently engaged in debates. Strangely, I do not remember exactly what we debated–there were so many topics! Let’s see… once, we discussed whether “white lies” are moral; another time, I remember  defining “maternal devotion.” On occasion, these debates became very heated, and I liked it so because they gave my pubescent mood swings and frustrations a healthy outlet. There were also exercises in logic which both of us apparently held in high regard. When I was in high school, we added God and afterlife to our discursive repertoire. It was huge for us, former Soviets…

I craved these moments with my father. They were special because no one else engaged in such deep, frank conversations with me during my first twenty years on Earth, not even Mom. Ever. They were authentic, spontaneous, unstructured. They made me feel close to my dad, although I cannot say how he felt about them. The memories of our talks are the fabric of my many important schemata such as “father,” “Russian man,” “childhood,” “cognitive development,” “relationship,” and others. They kept me grounded and carried me through our many conflicts. They modeled the expectations of my own relationship with my children. The big question is, is it possible to be this close with Becky?

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Feminist Interview

I had a nearly perfect candidate for this interview: an old acquaintance who is a recently divorced mother of two children running a small business. We both looked forward to this interview: I because I find this woman’s life interesting and in some ways, even look up to her.  She because she says she likes to talk about herself, and in the light of the recent divorce, she finds reaching out to friends particularly therapeutic.

Problem: she could not make it, so we ended up talking on the phone. In a way, her schedule change ended up being a blessing in disguise because I unexpectedly received a chance to explore yet another mode of interviewing. Now that I look back on my experience, I think this was my least favorite and most difficult interview because (1) I have trouble hearing over the phone,  (2) I could not record our conversation, and (3) I could not see her facial expressions. On the bright side, I think we managed to establish the level of sincerity (or intimacy as Roulston puts it), and I think I overall was successful at reaching my objectives to create spaces for her to ask me questions and to “provide opportunities for her to steer the conversation towards topics of interest to her” (p. 27). In short, phone interviews are a desperate, yet still a viable option.

How I provided spaces for her to ask me questions. 
The choice of the participant was my best trick: my friend is a good listener and a very social person by nature!  Still, I had to work a little bit at getting her to switch focus from her to me. I admitted to her early on in our conversation that I went through a divorce once. This acted as both a question seed and a way to establish an empathetic connection. I wanted to know how she manages the business as a woman and shared some of my experiences trying to gain the business of male clients (almost every male client I attempted to win ended up being a waste of time). I also shared my opinion that with male clients it is almost always the issue of power: who gets to make creative decisions, who has priority in what a finished project should look like, and so forth. As the result, my interviewee asked me some questions, just as I intended, but I think I let my interview slip because she used her questions to provide me with some advice instead of connecting deeper as I had hoped. That’s OK. Perhaps, I came across as self-deprecating? I will need to think about this one some more.

Providing opportunities for her to steer the conversation.
I think this was the easiest task because she was working out her emotional wounds in the aftermath of her divorce–she was very interested in my opinion about who gets the biggest blame, she or her ex-husband. She did it very tastefully, though, and was very aware that these questions aren’t quite fair, so she quickly changed direction to tell me what it was like to live in the same house under the same roof a few months prior to the split.

Now that I think about it, this sounds almost like a conversation created to fulfill emotional needs of a friend, but to me, having the researcher’s agenda in the back of my head, it was much more. I got some important insight into reasoning and logic of a recently divorced woman. It sounded like she was going through some well-defined stages in her transition from a married woman to a single mother. This was valuable to me as a researcher and had I been interested in this topic, I would immediately conduct a literature review to see how my observations echo other researchers’ reports.

Lessons learned: 
Do not schedule anything too close to the deadline! Common sense, but here I was, pacing the floor with a phone in my head instead of recording a face to face interview.

Be prepared to record anything, even a phone conversation–I would like to play around with some options about recording a phone interview. I need to study my phone!

I need to pay attention to how I try to relate–it seems that I make myself sound needier than I am.

Overall, I think it was a good learning experience.

 

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Bibliography

Academic Writing Class Journal

Delhaye, M. M., Kempenaers, C., Burton, J., Linkowski, P., Stroobants, R., & Goossens, L. (2012). Attachment, Parenting, and Separation–Individuation in Adolescence: A Comparison of Hospitalized Adolescents, Institutionalized Delinquents, and Controls. Journal of Genetic Psychology, 173(2), 119-141.

Examines how teens were attached to their parents:
(a) autonomous (or secure) with regard to attachment experiences, which implies coherent accounts of earlier experiences that value attachment;
(b) preoccupied by past attachment experiences, which implies anxious or angry responses in the interview; (c) dismissing of attachment-related experiences, which implies that such experiences are considered unimportant; and (d) unresolved (or disorganized) with regard to past attachment experiences, which implies lapses in reasoning when discussing loss or trauma.
Separation–individuation: (p. 121)
“a normative process that allows young people to establish a new type of equilibrium in their relationships with their parents. When going through this process, adolescents have to relinquish their internalized and idealized representations of their parents (i.e., the separation aspect) to develop a more mature sense of self Internalizing problems (e.g., depression) and externalizing problems (e.g., delinquency) are associated with particular types of parent-related perceptions in adolescence” (Collins & Laursen, 2004).

Collins, W. A., & Laursen, B. (2004). Parent-adolescent relationships and influences. In R. M. Lerner & L. Steinberg (Eds.), Handbook of adolescent psychology (2nd ed., pp. 331–361). Hoboken, NJ: Wiley.

Lafreniere, K. A. (2018). Mothers and daughters: Narratives of sustained connection during adolescence. Dissertation Abstracts International, 78,

Interpersonal Closeness

Yanping, T., Shaw, A., & Fishbach, A. (2016). The friendly taking effect: How interpersonal closeness leads to seemingly selfish yet jointly maximizing choice. Journal of Consumer Research, 42(5), 669-687. doi:10.1093/jcr/ucv052

Interdependence Theory

Leslie-Case, K. P. (1999, January). The parent-child relationship: An interdependence approach. (mutuality, control, childhood, memories). Dissertation Abstracts International, 60, 2986.

Finkel, E.J., Simpson, J.A. (2015). Editorial overview: Relationship science. Current Opinion in Psychology, 1. 5-9

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Ethnographic Interview

This week I tried interviewing Gretchen over Zoom. Completely forgot to push the “record” button!!!!!!!! So frustrated and upset with myself! Thank God it was just a training interview and I did not need to transcribe it for a real research. Lesson learned.

I have known Gretchen for a few months, and our interview indeed resembled a “friendly conversation” (Roulston, p. 14). What I struggled with was the “ongoing analysis of data” that I was supposed to use to guide the interview in the direction of my interests–the ethnographic exploration of a life with autistic children. As a mother of a child with special needs, I am very interested in how different or similar my life is compared to the other parents’. I am not that naive to think that our experiences are exactly alike, but I still wanted to see if there are some points in common.

So  I wanted to learn about Gretchen’s daily life as a mother of two special needs children, and I asked her questions like “what is your typical day like?” and “What places do you frequent with the boys and why?” However, I got sidetracked into creating a sort of a timeline with her: when she became a mother and what were the circumstances. Roulston did mention that “time” is an important piece of ethnographic work; yet, once we started discussing how places she lived and visited made an impact on her journey to the “now,” I became fascinated with her experiences and life choices and before long, my interview became more phenomenological in nature than ethnographic. I think that in a real scenario I would not be so concerned with the genre because I was getting some amazing, rich data, but I still should have stayed more focused on the task at hand. Also, I was very aware of how my interview is getting away from me because I had to mind the fact that I am doing an assignment, and not just simply exploring or even chatting with a peer. Come to think of it, I really WAS chatting with her, but I cannot say I am feeling guilty because, in the end, I learned a great deal about Gretchen, and therefore, reached my ultimate goal.

…I think I would have done better if I actually asked her to tell me about a specific event or two instead of learning about many events that make up her life. Or maybe not… I am not sure.

Pleasant surprise: my interview unexpectedly (or maybe Gretchen did this on purpose, but did not tell me) gained ethnographic value when we started talking about her house. She actually gave me a quick visual tour of her room; therefore, telecommuting worked out even better than speaking face to face.  Had it not been for Zoom, I would not have thought to ask her to describe her environment, but it is such an important portion of my interest in the bio-ecology of autistic children! I did not even realize this until now! I also never thought about this particular advantage of Zoom, and I am taking a mental note of Zoom’s usefulness for ethnography, and feeling super lucky because I  got a taste of what video-elicitation technique can do.

Lastly, there is one thought that feels uncomfortable, but this is precisely why I must discuss it further: earlier this week, I made a comment in our online exchange that Gretchen should do an autoethnography because she expressed some uncertainty about her current direction in research. I sounded cocky when I said I should “totally interview you,” therefore, implying that my interview would somehow have a therapeutic value, or bring clarity. I was very assuming, and therefore, exceeded my ethical boundaries and even undermined my own agency as a researcher. To mind comes a quote I read in Munby’s article:

“What discussions of trustworthiness, credibility, reliability, validity seem to lack is the sense that research has a purpose. (not the “Statement of Purpose”) …I am interested in what we think research that we do is for: What is the point?”  (p.155)

My mistake became clear when I realized how little control I have (or even want to have–she is empowered!) over our conversation.

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Quotes-Green, T.F. -analysis, philosophy, reflexivity

Green, T. F. (1971). The activities of teaching. New York, : McGraw-Hill, [1971].

“Though it is true that analysis is careful thinking, that is not the most important and discriminating truth about it. The important truth is not that the analytic task is reflective, but that it is reflexive. It is thinking turned back upon itself. It is thinking about thinking. Making distinction is an evident feature of good thinking wherever it occurs, but the peculiarity of philosophical analysis is that it is thinking about the distinctions themselves. (p. 203)

“The methodological nature of philosophical analysis constitutes not a narrowing of philosophical interests but an almost unlimited expansion. The topics amendable to analysis, the concepts that can be given analytic treatment, are almost without boundary.” (p. 205)

“The restrictive focus of analysis on method rather than doctrine thus proves not to be a narrow limitation at all. It is simply the manifestation of an underlying commitment to take care and achieve clarity, joined with an equally firm commitment to be specific.” (p. 205)

“Philosophy is an activity of reflexive thinking” (p. 205)

 

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Is knowledge made?

Academic Writing Class Journal

Two or three months ago in Qualitative II class, we watched a short clip  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tno6oG9KRFY

introducing Karen Barad. Andreas Roepstorff said in (1:17) “what it is like to create knowledge” and it struck me like a lightning in a clear sky: What? We can CREATE knowledge?

Until now, I realized, I thought knowledge is something that simply  IS. It is neither created nor changeable. To get it, people must reach out and grab it when they want to or need to. It is like the fabric of cosmos. Neutral, ever present, yet obscured unless specifically sought out or accidentally encountered.

Perhaps, this explains why I personally never had issues with passive learning? I grew up blindly believing in the authority of teachers. They are servants of knowledge, the sages who have been trusted the secrets of the Universe. Yet, I always was intrinsically motivated to learn actively: receive what is being taught, then go get some more on my own.

Hopefully, I will make sense of this rambling somehow, but I had to get it off my chest.

So now that I heard that knowledge can be created, where does it leave me in my epistemological beliefs? Well, first of all, I submissively receive this statement as a bit of knowledge: I just have been handed a key to unlock yet another cosmic secret. SO. Knowledge CAN be created…

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12 hours later, after I had a few more minutes to think about this while waiting in pickup line for Danny:

I think I differentiate between “knowledge” as an abstraction and “knowledge” as a concrete concept (“I know you like this…”). Growing up in USSR,  the concept of “knowledge” (as an abstraction) was well-nourished. On Septemeber 1 of each year, all children would start school. We called it the “Day of knowledges.” All students would dress up in “parade uniform” (girls white aprons, boys always wore suits with a white shirt anyway), and bring flowers to the teacher. There would be happy kid music blasting, and everyone would gather in the courtyard for a ceremony: first-year students would be welcomed, graduates-to-be would be wished well; there would typically be a speech from a respected member of the community–a WWII veteran, or a “Hero of Labor.” The principal would say something, too. In the end, a male representative of the graduating class would put a randomly picked (usually the smallest) first-grader (we did not have kindergarten) on his shoulders, and make a lap in the inner circle of the gathered crowd of students. The little one would ring a hand bell as a signal of the beginning of the first period of the new school year. The first lesson in each grade was a “Peace lesson” where students would discuss the importance of world peace. The day was always short so that in the afternoon students could go out to the city’s parks, carnivals, movies, and other entertainment spots to enjoy deep admission discounts. The entire country celebrated the “Day of Knowledges!”

Then I thought that my father, who taught auto engineering for 30+ years, would be called an assistant or associate professor, but in Russian, his position translated as “senior giver” (as in someone who “serves” or “presents” knowledge). The term “instructor” was reserved strictly for those who taught skills, such as “swimming” or “nursing” instructor. I think the power structure and the culture of passive learning in the classroom setting was built into our lives in many ways, including the linguistic channels.

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What is epistemology

Google Dictionary (Retrieved May 30, 2018)

Epistemology is the theory of knowledge, especially with regard to its methods, validity, and scope. Epistemology is the investigation of what distinguishes justified belief from opinion.