Research journal
Human(ism) rules. This is what powers social sciences research, it is the iron that smoothes out the many wrinkles in the onto-epistemological fabric of conventional qualitative inquiry for sure.
is solid assumption is the iron that does not just smooth every wrinkle in the , it makes the fabric . Postqual displaces the human but unplugging the iron
the disturbance that makes postqualitative research not qualitative. It is easier to articulate than to do
I have been keeping an insane pace.
The conflict with Becky’s school is definitely most upsetting and disorienting. I am so incredibly angry with these people–I think they really believe they are providing Becky with “supports,” and I wonder how much of these beliefs are due to trainings from streamlined, shiny, gift-wrapped programs we scholars design and sell Districts as the next solution to problems. I never thought about scholars and snake-oil salesmen, but I am certainly thinking about it now. The “Gold Model School for Positive Behavior supports” bling just below Ms. Becker’s email signature taunts me. The program’s co-director is Dr. Heather George of USF CBCS. I emailed her but heard nothing. I am really so, so very angry–at Slusser, Ms. Becker, the District, the system. I expected more from Ms. Becker, maybe this is why I feel so betrayed and disappointed… Humanity…
My studies have been limited to keeping afloat in Janet’s class. I did find some gems on the topic of qualitative pedagogies and they have been my main source of sustenance. I take what I can–feast or famine.
Teaching–I am a lot more comfortable, and I have been truly enjoying my new role. I do not panic anymore, not like I used to during first two weeks or so. I find myself in this elated state when I think about my students. I do not take it for granted that what we are doing in this class is incredibly creative, ambiguous, and difficult. We have been narrowing down their research questions workshop-style in class, and I am starting to see first fruits of positive affect. Christ told me last week: “I thought I will hate this class, but I have been having fun. I really hope to actually do my study.” Also last week, during a consultation with Ev she looked at me with resolve and shared, “you know, I actually plan to do this research. I am serious.” The ideas are amazing, and so are the students. I am getting addicted to the moments when they finally understand something previously closed to them, and their faces light up. They wrote such wonderful feedback on index cards a couple of weeks and caught myself coveting these messages like treasures. Of course, I am skeptical about how much I can infer from these notes, but after reading them, It dawned on me how much they struggle with the ambiguity of translating ideas into a concrete form, and I remembered how difficult it is to be creative. I am used to designing projects of all kinds, but I cannot expect everyone to be able to conjure up creative ideas from thin air and give them a lovely shape of words. I really appreciate the work my students do now so much more!
My transition to teaching happened so quickly and organically–I remember being intimidated by doing oral presentations in class three years ago and getting stressed just thinking about maybe teaching someday. I still struggle to escape the idea there is such thing as “true” knowledge, the boundaries that distinguish “good” teaching from mediocre teaching, and the weight of responsibility that haunts these operations. Responsibility is dangerous because it rushes conclusions and actions, and avoids alternatives if a safer, easier route is in sight.
It was such a busy day… I wanted to start writing about this day on my drive home, but the kids needed me, and I was simply overwhelmed with everything else that was going on that week.
There was a big classroom hullabaloo–I really did not want to be in the SOC building, so I asked if can switch to the lab. Dr. Dedrick sent me his blessing on Sunday to email everyone and tell that we will meet in the Lab, and then Todd emailed me Monday to say Dr. Ferron is teaching in the lab on Tuesdays. What am I to do? I asked if I can do iTeach on Tuesdays and Lab on Thursdays, and luckily it was OKayed quickly. Then the Syllabus… I had a version that Leia gave me, but with no access to her last year’s Canvas class, some of the assignments looked completely foreign. I had no idea what they meant, and so I have been pouring over my own document inventing and thinking about the things we can do in class. Of course in my head, every student is just as excited about research as I am. I know they will be ready for debates, critical thinkers ready to receive my own revelations about what research was for me when I started and what it became for me. Of course, I know that if I ask them a question, they will all raise their hands at once and fight over who gets to answer first. There will be debates, contentious topics to discuss. At the end of the semester, we will all emerge as independent scholars.
I looked at the roster and panicked–they are from all over the University! What do I know about biomedical research? Nothing! What do I know about public health? Or engineering? Or architecture? Nothing! How will I bring them to my turf–social sciences and even more specifically, education? Leia made me feel a little better when we met–it has not been an issue.
It is funny to be there, upfront, in the instructor’s spot… The experience was not entirely unfamiliar–I have presented so many times as a student by now, thanks to my professors who made it group presentations a norm. I stood there, in iTeach, almost at home as being there behind the podium reminded me of the times I made my presentation in Ilene and Michael’s class. The same thing happened in the Lab on Thursday–it felt like it was just another Measurement class. I think it was brilliant of me to insist on switching rooms even if I did so unaware of this reason–my own comfort with the environment due to familiarity with physical space. These classrooms are not just classrooms–they are spaces with memories that live somewhere on the sensory plane–I do not clearly remember what I presented or even how I felt about my own work, but I remember the proximity of walls, the light, the projector, and the computer… In the Lab, I can see in the back the familiar green cabinets. I know what’s stored inside–ghosts of statistics books from 20+ years ago!) There are some loose articles, antiquated office supplies, clutter, abandoned personal artifacts of numerous GAs who kept watch in the lab for countless semesters before me. I draw confidence from knowing all this–these are my walls, my people, my department. I am the ambassador, the product of MY professors’ investment in my academic and intellectual growth. This is MY TURF.
I think I accidentally solved the problem of student diversity that bothered me on Monday by PHYSICALLY bringing my diverse group of students on my turf–the College of Education.
…As far as spaces go, I like iTeach better because it is so much cozier–the lights and the room layout, and furniture…. but it is not even about whether I like the space. Again, it is just that it is familiar. I remember both rooms as safe and supportive learning environments where I was nervous and on the spot (being evaluated), but responsibility and stakes were low–I never had more than 4 people in my group, and so not letting them down was my main source of anxiety. Here I am trying not to let down (i.e. bore to death by lecturing or making everyone confused with my spontaneity) 15-19 people. The upgrade is manageable.
Mt students are not exactly what I imagined–they are not all that engaged and eager–introductions were met with much less enthusiasm than going over the syllabus. But they are not apathetic, either. I wonder what is going through their heads–they definitely look alert, and no one is distracted or openly on the phone. They are probably trying to figure me out (much like I tried to figure out my professors). No doubt, by now, they all have been sufficiently disciplined into the culture of college learning, at least its universally accepted routines and subjectification: assignments, tests, expectations, projects, readings, performances. Although, I must not assume–I probably offended someone when I said, “I am a student, too, so I know what we students sometimes try to get away with if necessary.” This was not fair. I implied that I expect them to cheat. This is the very reason why when after the second class a (older) student stopped by to chat with me (another good sign, I think) she said “Professor,” and when I objected, she took slightly scolded me and reminded me that her refusal to call me Anna is a sign of her respect and that I earned the title (God, was I THAT self-deprecating? I do not think I was). She also suggested that the rest of the students are “babies” and will probably benefit from structure. I agree to a point–I could definitely be more consistent and should take care to articulate expectations. Nevertheless, this kind of feedback was exactly what I hope for. I considered explaining my philosophy on academic status and titles–a title signals an achievement. To me, learning has not been about achievement or performance (only sometimes, perhaps because of the testing and conditioning with grades). Learning is my natural state, a way to satisfy my appetite for intellectual stimulation. It is not modesty–false or authentic. It is not the absence of care because I deeply care about my growth. Learning is an ontology. It is a way to be. In fact, I am not learning, I am becoming with who I meet, speak with, what I read, eat, and, and. Although I will not hesitate to flaunt my Doctoral Candidate status if someone tries to bully me into submission or attacks my intelligence, I really, REALLY do not care if I am called Anna or professor (or Dr. Gonzalez going forward). It is definitely not a stance. It is a philosophy. …but my student cares, and I have to respect that. Now I do, actually. Because it is not about me–I know where I stand–it is about her. At the same time, I want to be careful not to give my sense of agency too much oxygen because it will force me into assuming, power struggles, and if I let it go too far, self-righteousness.
I am starting to really understand what Jenni meant when she said things that I disagreed with… the comment she left on my final paper for the Design class–the one where she contemplated her own position as the one who must grade and evaluate my work and laid the mother’s curse on me (Wait ’till you teach!). This one came sooner than I thought. I get it. I am embarrassed about all the things I said to Lili, Janet, Jenni…
I forgot to take attendance on the second day, too. So I followed up with a blanket email requesting everyone replies if they want to stay in class. One of the new students who registered after Tuesday said yes and added, “awesome lecture today!” (We talked about “What is research?”), and it was so gratifying!
These students are incredibly bright, curious, full of all kinds of becomings. I cannot treat them like kids. I cannot be afraid that things I say and make them think about are somehow below their undergrad “level.” They can and should make sense of difficult topics and controversies in any way they can–it is the only way. I can show them the ropes of what I so far had learned on my way to graduation, but they will have to figure out what any of this means.
During Thursday’s what I envisioned as an engaged class discussion about what is research, but ended up being solo performance, they all paid attention. In the beginning, a student who sat up front scoffed on numerous occasions so much so that I began to wonder whether I totally suck at this teaching thing, toward the end, he was totally wide-eyed. Several students chatted here and there, but overall, they all paid attention. Really, they did. Not one looked overwhelmed, or frustrated, or bored. I left the classroom very, very encouraged. I WILL deviate from Leia’s plan in my assignments, but I now know better in what ways. I shall structure each day in such a way it is predictable and I shall tirelessly explain where they can find information. I shall hold high expectations. I shall not treat them like kids, but partners.
I am writing now, 3 days after the fact and one more class under my belt. I feel better because it seems the second session went better.
OK, so the more I listen, the more I get confused. There are elements to music composition that are imperceptible to my plebeian, non-musician ear–emotion expressed through dynamics and tonal shifts alone, as well as voices of instrument solos are not enough to tell pieces apart. I am sure I am CAPABLE of developing my ear, but I am skeptical of the time frame. It is very similar to observing a classroom–it is one thing to focus on what Sammy or Lizzy are doing, and a whole another thing to know HOW much they progress, what their social situations are, and many other things that shape their PRESENT behavior. Their teacher sees a whole lot more than what I see in the timeframe I may have in the classroom, though I like to indulge in thought that maybe I can see something the teacher does not…
…or maybe I am feeling totally inadequate and being a sore loser because I keep mixing up Mendelssohn with Brahms.
Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed professors, Members of the Committee, peers, brutes: let it be known–I am deaf! And not Beethoven-deaf–I am deaf in the most horrific way, like those who think Kanye West makes music.
Therefore, I read. A lot. So many cool things that are turning up!
I started a Prezi presentation to make sense of relationships, timelines, and whatever else I dig up as I move along this period.
https://prezi.com/p/q9myk1dwxu9l/romantic-period/
First of all, Schubert reminds me very much of Haydn–humble beginnings and incredible talent definitely find converge in their sound (obviously, I am judging only by what little I heard)–sturm und drang, but definitely evolving.
The neverending revolutions are shaping (and being shaped by) all kinds of thinking–not just politics and philosophy. Music, too. The uncertainty, and the latter rise of nationalist thought that came after the Holy Roman Empire ceased to be, and the multiple revolutions swept over Europe.
Transportation! Steam locomotion was still in infancy, which means pockets of intellectual development maintain their sphere of influence geographically. Leipzig School, then later Weimar School; this, of course, did not change that much from the last century, but Romanticism suddenly made so much more sense as man and nature lined up to be measured. As technology continued to defy the limits of man and what was possible, I think the role and significance of nature had to be reexamined from many possible angles. …And as a side thought… just to think that Berlioz was able to take a “long” way home from Rome he hated so much–and probably gained so many more opportunities to reflect on his experiences and to compose… Good thing they did not drive at that time–he probably would have killed his fiancee Marie Moke and her mother the “hippopatame,” and never lived to reach the mastery he reached because of his romantic and family conflicts and relative freedom of a person who did not commit any crimes. I was thrilled to learn that his “Harold in Italy” was written in response to Paganini’s request, though Paganini decided there was not much for him to play in “Harold” after all…. Paganini came up so much as an influence in other composer’s lives, too.
The “Jewish” question, too–here in the States and in education there is so much that revolves around race, so it was good to be reminded that the ugly has many heads. Just to think that Mendelssohn had to negotiate his Jewish heritage as a musician and an authority figure in cultural life. Mahler, too… he was even closer in the timeline to the stench that eventually led to Holocaust… It made me so angry and brokenhearted to learn that my favorite “party” in the War of the Romantics–Wagner, Liszt, Cosima Wagner Liszt were tainted by antisemitism.
I don’t know if they were my favorite, but much like Wagner, I believe that any “purity” can be a dangerous thing (which is why his antisemitic inclination seems such a puzzle to me!)–I love that he experimented with music, and did not think of it as a stable form; I love it that he thought so much of literary and visual modes of expression to champion their evolution…
It is funny how both the absolutists and the arts of the future camps found their inspiration in Beethoven. I read Schumann initially named his First Symphony “Spring,” but in later editions changed his mind. Why? Pride? The budding paradigm shift that put Liszt and Wagner on one side of the chasm and Schumann and Mendelssohn on the other–in other words, politics?
The new art was considered “dangerous.” Why? There is more than one answer, of course, but dangerous? I find myself now in a similar epistemological paradigm shift as a researcher. Statistics, though a dominating method of analysis are being countered by competing forms, and “danger” of relativism is being echoed in many conversations. Poststructuralism is being accused of being a dangerous interruption in social scientific thought, and maybe I can understand why proponents of fundamentalism would think so, but I disagree all the same. We cannot stay rooted in tradition–roots eventually rot!
Nevertheless, I still enjoy Schubert and Schumann, and Brahms, and Mendelssohn’s works. They are difficult for me to tell apart at this moment, sure, but I find myself renewed after being immersed in the sound. So many times I actually dream many of the main themes at night, waking up to the dramatic timpani and all kinds of oompa-oompas, or the folksy melodies of Bohemian and Austrian dances… I wonder if this is what being a musician feels like, and so I dream well into my mornings.
Oh Lord, where did the time go? I managed to meet publication deadline for the collaborative article AND just submitted my Qualifying Exams. Fingers crossed, in ten days I will know whether I can advance to doctoral candidacy. I am not worried–I know both articles are publishable, and now that I met both deadlines, I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my shoulders.
Back to music I go! What a treat! I truly love this class–this was a brilliant idea. I am actually starting to think with facts I learned about music in the Enlightenment era–the whole quantitative-qualitative research methods war I am in the middle of right now actually began during the classic era. Empiricism vs. Rationalism. Individualism vs. present search for new ways of knowing in posthumanist thought. In short, I am finding that what I am learning in this class is starting to really inform my understanding of philosophies of inquiry.
I had been listening little by little, but frankly, I cannot yet pass the threshold of mere appreciation of sound, form, and the experience of this beautiful music to the realm of analysis.
It is getting so much more complex! Baroque and fewer instruments and formal structures of the classic period were great clues for telling Sammartini apart from Stamitz, or the Bachs from Beethoven. I think my ear has reached the boundary of the development–I simply have not heard enough and or long enough to tell apart Schubert’s music from Schumann’s. I just want to make a note of this here and now as this is a valid point in my learning journey this semester.
….on the other hand, this is the whole point of me trying to learn something new from a new discipline anyway. Is it not? I am panicking and preparing myself for not doing well on the test, but I will just take one step at a time for now–listen more and read, read, read.
Sociological imagination
enables us to grasp the connection between history and biography. Wright C. Mills (1959) as cited in Henslin, J. M. (2015) Essentials of Sociology: A down-to-earth approach” 11th ed. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson.
Eisner: Educational Imagination
Erickson: Educational Imagination (in Moss et al, 2009, p. 504
“When I say a study has an educational imagination, I mean it addresses issues of curriculum, pedagogy, and school organization in ways that shed light on–not prove but rather illuminate, make us smarter about–the limits and possibilities for what practicing educators might do in making school happen on a daily basis. Such a study also sheds light on which aims of schooling are worth trying to achieve in the first place–it has a critical vision of ends as well as of means toward ends. Educational imagination involves asking research questions that go beyond utilitarian matters of efficiency and effectiveness, as in the discourse of new public management (see Barzelay, 2001), especially going beyond matters of short-term “effects” that are easily and cheaply measured.
Dialectical imagination
<class=”quote”>Dialectical imagination (Jay, 1973) is the ability to view the world in terms of its potential for being changed in the future, and hard-won ability in a world that promotes positivist habits of mind acquiescing to the status quo.” p. 109
Agger, B. (1991). CRITICAL THEORY, POSTSTRUCTURALISM, POSTMODERNISM: Their Sociological Relevance. Annual Review of Sociology, 17, 105–131. https://doi-org.ezproxy.lib.usf.edu/10.1146/annurev.so.17.080191.000541
Haydn is still my favorite. Followed by Beethoven, followed by Mozart.
I appreciate the complexity, experimentation, and the entire new sound I hear in Beethoven’s music–he took it to a whole new level with his unusual key resolutions and tempos, and use of melody for sure (Mozart is great, but I think his music is more about virtuosity than new ways of expression, and though I still enjoy it, it kind of blends in for me with Haydn and Beethoven, makes it more difficult to recognize).
I have been using practice files like flash cards, and had Eddie quiz me on them. I am nervous about being nervous during the test–I either get carried away when I answer open ended questions or panic and freeze.
How I love, love, LOVE Haydn. His music is so expressive, not just sturm und drung, oh no, it is STURM und DRUNG. I do not just feel it, I see it.
I never really enjoyed his music before… I heard his name plenty of times, of course, and I am sure I heard his compositions on many occasions. I just never linked the name to the music.
What makes him even more amazing is his story–the narrative of the self-made man. The gem-in-the-dirt discovered talent–hats off for his parents who recognized his gifts and made the decision to part with him to develop his talent! The Bachs were born into life of music, even J.C., though never had a chance to be properly cuddled by his father, had his trail blazed. Haydn did not. He literally sang his heart out for food when he was young… I am not sure how much I would be able to produce on a hungry belly, but he kept impressing all the right people, and moved up to become Europe’s leading composer by the end of the century. Yet, he remained a simple man, modest, easy going, loyal to his patron, Prince Nicolaus. His orchestra musicians loved him, as did his students and other composers he mentored; though used to living in the remote Esterháza, I am amazed at how easily London surrendered itself to Haydn.
An interesting historic detail from this era–the establishment of public music concerts (https://www.britannica.com/art/concert)
Woke up on the couch at 1am and tried to go back to sleep. …But in the silence of the night thoughts do not sleep. They buzz around, like bees. They almost make me dizzy, so I decide to follow one… I am a little anxious–with publication deadlines approaching in the next 6-8 weeks, my two papers are not even close to being done. No pressure! One doubles up as my qualifying exam. I cannot monkey it up… time. I need more time to compost everything I see, hear, read, think, do if I am to produce something of value, something not pedestrian or banal. Such compost needs time and variety of experiences to decompose that which is obvious and stands in the way of discoveries–of research.
Music class… I realize now I have been thinking of it as a project. A thought experiment. It is a graded class, of course, and I treat it as such–hence an extra layer of anxious thoughts–but it is so, so much more. It is the minor shift that Manning talks about, the concept that troubled me so much that I reached out to Rob Kapilow a year ago in search of clarity… Ironic that I now return to music to disrupt my thinking. Is it ironic?
In my world–education–music is an abstraction. In the political landscape of (many) school curricula discourses, humanities were sacrificed for postpositivist approach to sciences a long time ago. Art programs are typically first to go when budget cuts threaten public education. Research, too, has been dominated by the postpositivist thought. Studies that rely on statistical analysis are a standard design. Data that can be counted and measured are preferred. Music… music is a hobby. And yet, contemporary connoisseurs of classical music are either trained musicians, or those who boast excellent education. The latter, the non-musicians, are also affluent. Ironic? I think so.
In my preferred niche of research–qualitative–arts based research music is also an abstraction. Music is thought of as language, a form of expression. In research conceptualized by humanist orientation, music can be a voice. I do not think most researchers have the experience and/or the expertise to conceptualize music as method; therefore, it is a giant abstraction–pregnant with potential, yes, for those who actively resist the hegemony of quantitative/postpositivist visions of knowledge, but also out of reach due to its complexity and consequent (?) removal from the philosophies in inquiry. To me, it is an opening to Aladdin’s treasure cave. At the moment, it is shrouded in patchy fog (or desert sand storm if I stick with previous analogy), but it is becoming more clear the more I engage… Last week’s introduction into early symphonic literature sent me down the cave’s chasm–I spend the weekend reading about the five featured composers–Monn, Sammartini, Stamitz, Bachs… the Bachs had most information, of course, and I started piecing together the portraits.
I would be an idiot to think of this type of inquiry in terms of validity or (God strike me dead!) objectivity–all these stabs at constructing reality are highly subjective. We imagine all these worlds, identities, which is why timeline is not even relevant for the most part! There is no way I can be sure that if I conduct an interview with a research question in mind, I will have access to “truthful,” somehow “authentic” data. Sure it will be a snapshot of a person’s thoughts situated in a specific material context, but to distill a “true meaning” from such an event and sell it as valid or objective is not just folly, but intellectual crime. We are imagined. Our interpretations of events are imagined, but also real because reality is not a single universal truth we can come to with our need for knowledge but a multiplicity, always becoming, always subjective, diffractive, unpredictable, unstable…
My thoughts are like bees… I follow one, and somehow end up far away from where I started….
…so the exercise of thinking with classical music–early symphonic literature–proved fruitful. …Or interesting enough to keep me up at night. I thought of music as a commodity, much like research is a commodity in my world. Like research, music was produced, commissioned, guarded, paid for and sold. It was livelihood, a profession. But this commodity does not exist in a vacuum. There were interesting familial dynamics, of course, the politics. I thought of Christmases in the Bach household… back then, people did not do weekend getaways–the transportation was much slower…the pace of life was slower. If someone came to visit from out of town, they had to stay for weeks. That said, what were family holidays like? I can only imagine the table conversations…or recitals… composers clearly bred composers.
I still want to make the map of monarchs. I should–they would provide an excellent point of departure for analysis of power structures, a possible scaffolding in music production. I think I will next time I plunge into the chasm.
The older of the two Bach brothers under the spotlight, Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach, made living for a while as an accompanist to Frederick the Great who thought himself an accomplished flautist. He had a degree in law which no doubt gave him weight and opened doors for career moves that some of his less fortunate peers could not have imagined. It seems that back then, affluence was not measured in money like it is now… an interesting thought in the context of contemporary neoliberal systems…
And the competition! Cut throat conditions, I imagine… How did innovation look at the time? What caused it? Stamitz, who died young, brought in the minuet and changed symphony from 3 to 4 movement structure. Also, what possessed him to incorporate the oboes and horns? Did he have friends who played these instruments and he wanted to help them? Or were they strictly colleagues? Was it a spark of genius induced by wine? These are not even questions–they are speculations, really, but they could be worth the pursuit if I am to “demystify”the newly Enlightened composer.
What of Kant’s philosophy? How did his idealism and transcendence shape early German symphony? Or was it the other way around? or did they meet each other somewhere half way through, during an evening at one of the most fashionable salons of the time? or even court? Another interesting breadcrumb trail leads to Kant’s (older) contemporary Hume who, a trained physician, worked to bring empiricism and skepticism to light–the very kind of empiricism that is squeezing the oxygen out of qualitative inquiry now. People died a lot back then and early… medicine was the human’s way to grieve and refuse to give in to tragedy. J.S. Bach’s family lived through a 6 or so year spell of loss–several children died right before J.C. and his sisters came into existence. In what ways, then, did Hume shape the culture of the British Empire in which JC Bach found his new home? The music of the latter began with Italian styles which for a while were allegedly en vogue in Europe and London. Yet, Italian culture does not boast much philosophical thought at the time. Dare I suspect a Cartesian, so to speak, split between arts and sciences? Empiricism and humanities are parting ways in mid 18th century? Already? How does music reflect that? How do these ideas imprint on music? What moved innovation then and what moves innovation now?
It has been a wonderful week that produced some reflections (always a good sign) and even first revelations. I was not sure what to expect, and so far, what I took away from the class has exceeded my expectations. Granted, I was not entirely sure what I was hoping get–I pitched the idea for this class to my Committee and to Dr. Robison on pure speculation that there will be a connection to Arts Based Research–at least, in the way I conceptualized ABR at that time–at that, too is already changing.
I had to look up the basic structure of symphony and brush up on forms–minuet, sonata, etc. but this is great–an easily digestible analytic material.