“I feel kinda guilty about it…” I concluded as I finished scrubbing the last pot. Dishwashing is a lot more fun when I chat with my sister-in-law. Besides, I would rather wash dishes in her kitchen than in mine.
Franky, I do not even remember what I felt guilty about, but Axita’s words stick in my head: “Yes, you keep saying that. What is that all about? You are not even a Catholic!” We both chuckle: I have been the member of this Puerto Rican family several years now, and I know exactly what she means. Then I ponder: I often do feel guilty; about everything, it seems. Guilt is such a familiar emotion to me that I cannot imagine describing myself without the acknowledgment of its weight and presence in my life and even character.
In certain disciplines, guilt is not necessarily a negative construct. In fact, the existential philosophy of Heidegger does not even perceive guilt as a feeling or an emotion; rather, it is the “Being-the-basis of a nullity” (2006, p. 285, as cited in Kim, 2017, p. 235), and the frequently paired with it construct of anxiety, is a “state of mind” (Kim, 2017, p. 234). Other philosophers, for example, Benjamin, may not agree with Heidegger’s definition of guilt, but they do not measure it in terms of emotions, either (Moran, 2013).
Unlike philosophical texts, contemporary psychology literature identifies guilt with social and moral developmental contexts (Tani & Ponti, 2018); it is “a self-conscious emotion characterized by a painful appraisal of having done (or thought) something that is wrong and often by a readiness to take action designed to undo or mitigate this wrong. It is distinct from shame, in which there is the additional strong fear of one’s deeds being publicly exposed to judgment or ridicule.” (VandenBos & APA, 2015, p. 476).
Heimowitz (2013) further distinguishes between “normal” and “neurotic” guilt (para. 4) (the latter is the contribution of Freud’s psychoanalysis theory) and therefore, suggests that not all feelings of guilt are unhealthy. Similarly, Roberts, Strayer, and Denham (2014) place guilt on “adaptive-maladaptive continuum” (p. 465) and reference a functionalist view of guilt as an important self-regulatory behavioral mechanism. Self-regulation sounds important, and I wish I could say my life filled with shame and guilt is a textbook case of self-regulation. I am afraid, however, that psychoanalysis fits much better here.
One of my earlier memories captures the moment of being shamed. I am about 3 years-old if that–I always remembered myself really early. I am at my grandmother’s, playing with rows of book spines in her bookcase. I cannot yet read, but I am impressed with the size of grandma’s collection, the long row of spines of different colors forming a ru.gged terrain on top. My fingers tip-toe, then jump, over a tall “hill,” then another one… The spot smells of old paper and bookbinding glue and of perfumed soap that my grandmother keeps on top of the bookcase. I feel elated, maybe a little hyper, then I realize: I need to use the restroom. Suddenly, my little legs in cotton tights feel warm, then wet and soggy, and finally, cold. My feet are in a puddle. I did not make it. I feel anxious–what will grandma say? Will she remind me, like my mom, that I am a big girl and that big girls do not have accidents? Will she shake her head? Say “ay-ay-ay!” and tsk her tongue like Mom? I call my grandma. She is kind. She does not make me feel bad and quickly takes care of the mess; I think I help. Unlike my mother, grandma lives in a Khrushchevka with all the modern conveniences, including running water. Laundry is not such an epic undertaking for her as it is for my mom. Can this be why grandma is not cross with me? What a wonderful speculation! I dislike the idea of linking my Mom with my earliest memories of shame, but in reality, I have no idea why my mother made me feel bad for my missed potty runs, and my grandmother did not. Moreover, my mom tried doing the same with my little ones when we stayed with Dad and her one summer. I asked her not to do it to my kids, then immediately realized how guilty I feel for being irritated with her, and for not adequately raising my toddlers to live accident-free. Later still, I catch myself for shaming one my children for something and realize that I am no better than my mother. It is a vicious circle that intergenerational transmission of values and parenting practices (Yaffe & Seroussi, 2018) phenomenon makes it difficult to escape.