Topic: How do Becky and I connect? DSM-V cites impairment in social reciprocity in persons with ASD, and I would like to investigate how social reciprocity appears in our relationship.
This week, I read about ASD and the way it impairs social communications. I have come across some really neat articles, and even a personal blog of a 38-year old woman with ASD, ADHD, and OCD.
The more I read, the more I question the value of my research idea. I go back and forth from feeling so clever and so special for going on a journey to figure out ASD as a parent to feeling unsure and not so confident about my ability to make a contribution to social science. ANY parent can do this–reflect, make conclusions, and then call it research. I feel like I am just too full of myself.
No doubt, this slump demands attention to the reflexivity statement and internal issues. I thought I already dealt with several months ago. I feel that getting OTHER parents’ perspective is more valuable than sharing my own. I grew up in a culture that disapproved of self-promotion.
Does my autoethnographic research feel like self-promotion?
…I think so…
…sometimes…
…often…
…usually.
I envision my parent’s looks of disapproval: all this hard work, all this money spent on graduate studies. What do I have to show for all of it? Memoirs? Worse yet, memoirs about parenting a child with odd behaviors. They do not believe that Becky has autism. She asked them point blank on Skype two months ago. They faltered and finally said they believe that every person has something odd about him or her–some people more, some people less. I am not sure how to explain this point of view. Maybe admitting she is autistic would force them to concede that their genetic contribution to the advancement of the species was inadequate? I also think that in Russia autism is usually synonymous with intellectual disability, and they refuse to entertain the association? Maybe they just think that I failed her as a parent and encourage wrong behaviors? Maybe it is all three… or neither. Maybe I am still trying to win their approval? Overthinking things a bit? “No prophet is accepted in his hometown” anyway (Luke 4:24) Truly, this is personal…
***WOW, I think just found an explanation in Bronfenbrenner’s quote here! (5/28/2018, 12:33pm)
Nevertheless, today I found some validation to my epistemological dilemmas in an unusual source: a personal blog of a grown woman with ASD, ADHD, and OCD (mentioned above). She shared what it feels like to be her in a conversation with others. She explained that when people say she is “manic,” she is simply expressing her emotions while trying to process an interaction with a person (here is the post). She shared that she is trying very hard to understand and show interest in conversation partners, but it is difficult for a range of reasons. Becky does that too, only we call it “spazzing.” There were several other points that I immediately shared with Becky and my husband because I thought they were insightful, and then I reflected on how much value I placed on some stranger’s thoughts. Perhaps, my thoughts and experiences are important to someone, too? The only issue I see is the delivery: I am not trying to write a blog. I am trying to make an academic contribution.
There must be rigor. There must be originality.