Last Friday I conducted a pilot interview with Becky and asked about how she thinks the two of us connect. I first checked to make sure she understands the difference between “getting along” with someone and feeling “close” to someone. She does. She was able to articulate it and even gave me some examples of how she has close friends and some acquaintances.
It was an impromptu conversation. I told her to meet me in my bedroom after we came home from school. I needed to talk to her about her school assignment (she was late submitting it), then somehow, sensing she was less irritable than normal, I asked if I could interview her for my “Interviewing Theory and Practice” class. Next thing I know, I was setting up Zoom to videotape our conversation. She agreed and even asked for some time to preen because (as she later explained) she thought I will show the recording to my peers in class. I told her several times this video is for our eyes only, but she recalled her experience presenting my autoethnography with her and was so fixated on it that my words did not sink in. She loved going to USF with me and wanted to look impressive just in case a person from USF will see this. It is completely normal, of course. Especially, as her age. So the two of sat with our backs against the headboard, staring at the laptop rested on my ankles. We talked looking at each other on the screen in front of us! This was odd, but it occurred to me that I might try doing this in an interview with another autistic person who may have a hard time looking at me face-to-face. Maybe I am on to something here?
First impressions after the interview.
So I have been thinking about how she and I connect. Specifically, I have been thinking about how our connections are not as deep and rich as connections between other mothers and daughters that I observed. During our interview, I discovered (much to my surprise) that
- She actually recalls many instances of our connections. What really intrigued me is that she had NO trouble identifying them and there were many such memories. She lost interest in our conversation after about 30 minutes, but I am convinced it was not because she ran out of stories to tell. She just got bored.
- I could not help it but think that she and I connect plenty… contrary to what I have been thinking lately. As she talked about her examples of connections, I recalled other examples just as effortlessly, so here is what I concluded: we have a lot of connections, and because there are so many, I take them for granted. What I do remember are the negative emotions from our DISconnects. When I disconnect with Becky, I blame autism. When I disconnect with a neurotypical person, I blame something else, like personality.
This gives me an idea: maybe I should study how we disconnect instead? Kind of like Foucault’s absent present… maybe it is worth pursuing… I think if I study gaps instead of “hills,” I may be able to see what is inside of these failed connections, what powers drive the desire to connect? A tree trunk looks whole and wide and sturdy until it gets cut down. Then we see the rings and can figure out what is “inside” that tree. - It struck me that almost every example Becky brought up was about us DOING something together and that activities usually end up benefitting her in some way. For example, she remembered us going shopping on several occasions. Specifically, this was this trip to Victoria’s Secret at Wiregrass that she brought up. I remembered it as connection because it was us “girls” doing “girl” things while our men went to the bookstore and did their own thing, I related to her as a woman because we were bra shopping together. I felt proud because she was now old enough for something expensive…I can not typically afford such a treat, but here we were, solvent and together.
Yet, she was not able (or not willing) to articulate the nature of this particular connection, so maybe I should investigate these further. - I know that getting this information out of her through talk will be difficult, Maybe I could try drawing? She teased me about being “dramatic” after she read my first autoethnography narratives. She is a teenager, of course, but this is a limitation I cannot ignore-she actually might not share with me details to avoid being seen as “dramatic.” I explained to her that what she perceives as “dramatic” is intentional because good research demands details and reflection. She is starting to understand this, I think. We shall see. Still, I do not think we can pull off a duo ethnography unless I find a different way to elicit responses out of her.