I have been thinking about my study a lot. That is, I really want to look into how Becky and I connect. I first turned my gaze in this direction last semester two or so months ago, when I became scandalized by Deleuze’s work. Desire? Connections? I found his portrayal of humans rather vulgar, but I see his point. I think. At least, to some degree. It became evident to me after I “deconstructed” the “Don’t Hug Me I Am Scared” piece and “The Little Red Polo” piece that we humans search for connections and couplings. Constantly. I know it is my “duh” moment, but I never considered motivations behind these connections before. At least, not in any way worth remembering.
Now that I revisit my concluding thoughts at the end of Don’t Hug Me, I disagree that “there will always be a wall” between us. Until VERY recently I thought Becky’s autism will always be a barrier between our meaningful connections, but I now think I was wrong. Ironically, my autoethnographic narratives project opened a venue for both of us to talk and to understand each other better, so I now believe that “meaningful” connections are more attainable and certainly more common than I previously noticed. I suspect I simply remember my failed attempts at connections with her more.
I want to get to the bottom of this as much as I can because I believe my findings will add to the body of knowledge about autism. DSM V states about individuals with autism:
Frequently, there is a desire to establish friendships without a complete or realistic idea of what friendship entails (e.g., one-sided friendships or friendships based solely on shared special interests). Relationships with siblings, co-workers, and caregivers are also important to consider (in terms of reciprocity). (p. 54)
The DSM V advisory experts wrote this to inform diagnosis, and this paragraph describes Becky’s attempts to connect with others to a T, but I would like to think of this social deficit in terms of “speaking a foreign language” and “having a language barrier.”
I should know a thing or two about this. I learned English as an adult. I mean, I officially received the instruction from grade 4 to graduation, but I was far from fluent in comprehension and expression, written and oral. To pass my final exam, I memorized a 300-word essay about Canada and prayed the teacher does not speak to me in English. When I met my first American at the end the last year of high school, I was overjoyed. I mobilized all English words in my vocabulary to start a dialogue, but our communication was very limited. We both tried and failed. The experience was exhilarating and it left me wanting for more, but for a while I had to resort to acting, drawing, carrying a dictionary, and simply speaking Russian in hopes the other party will recognize a familiar word. Then there were years of not understanding cultural references and mishaps with pronunciation.
Definitely. I am going to look at how Becky and I connect. First, I need to figure out how she perceives “connection” to others.